Build Self-esteem and Confidence

Building Self-esteem and Confidence: Pay Attention to the Positives

Make a list of everything positive you have done in your life.

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Now take a look at what you have done. Does this help you feel more confident? What else would build your confidence? Would you need any special training, skills, or tools?

(Exerpt from My Power Book, about to be published)

See my “Resources for Free” page for a pdf copy of this exercise, and much, much more to help build self-esteem and confidence.

Building confidence is not always easy. You are used to being graded on your work, scored in your games, sized up by friends and enemies alike, and counting many likes you get on social media. True confidence does not come from your scores, your pay, your position, or what your friends and enemies say about you.

Confidence, and building confidence, comes from within. Confidence comes from how you treat yourself, the thoughts you make about yourself, how YOU evaluate you, and from your beliefs about what you should be doing in your various roles.

Exercise: Belief Inventory

Think about the roles you play. Are you a woman, a boss, an employee, a spouse, a son, a student, a parent? (See example below)

As a parent, I should

As a student, I should

As a son, I should

As a woman, I should

As the boss of my company, I should

As a sister, I should

As a member of my basketball team, I should

As a friend, I should

Once you list all the things you are expecting of yourself, it will be revealed that your expectations and judgements are ridiculous, and then you no longer have to listen to the voice of confidence robbing punishment in your head.

Where did this voice come from? An echo of memory designed to keep you from being hurt. Except the voice may be a program from the past and it’s message does not have to be accepted as reasonable and applicable to the present and the future.

As a Dad, I should

Keep my children safe

Teach them all the skills and habits they need to be successful and happy

Provide a stable, clean, and comfortable home

Protect them from threats

Make sure they do all their homework, turn in all assignments, and make good grades

Make sure they don’t get into trouble, and if they do, make consequences and rewards so it doesn’t happen again

Facilitate a fulfilling social life

Make and serve healthy food

Make sure they brush their teeth and shower

Make sure they have decent clothes and dress appropriately

Keep them away from bad influences

Don’t let them drink or do drugs

Comfort them when they feel hurt or sick

Stop them from doing things that could result in their being rejected in the world of work, academia, and relationships

Teach them proper manners

Teach them to clean up after themselves

Make them obey

As a business owner I should

Keep all my clients happy with my services

Make enough money

Keep my facility clean and inviting

Fix the problems my clients want fixed

Make sure nobody gets mad and sues me or talks bad about me

Collect all the money owed to me

Do what I do better than all my competitors

Make sure nobody gets hurt using my products or services

As a husband I should

Keep my wife happy

Treat my wife with respect

Make my wife feel valued and loved

Be supportive

Do chores

Make sure my wife is taking good care of herself

Make sure my wife doesn’t work too much

Keep my wife from being mad at me

Make sure my wife is being a good enough parent

Don’t be too critical

Make my wife feel good about her body

Make sure our lovemaking is fulfilling for both of us

Give her presents on special days

Take her on dates

Keep up with the yard

Keep the house maintained and everything running

Provide enough money

Schedule vacations

Listen

How long is your list? Is it reasonable? Do you count what you do right, building confidence, or focus where you fall short, bringing yourself down? And when you are down, do you get more done and perform more effectively? Or do you do better when you feel confident and positively about yourself? The thoughts and beliefs you focus on will determine your feelings, as well as, to some degree, the performance you are concerned about.